Story of an email account

Studying effectively eight hours a day is simply impossible for me (or anyone I suppose). So I end up doing random things in between. Today, I walked back through my email history. From the very first one. Now I did not read every one of them but looking at the pages was enough to remember what I was doing at the time.

This starts from 2006 after my trip to Germany and the first email is to Meenaxi. I realized I am very lucky to have her as a friend or someone to look up to for more than 14 years now. She did not respond to my last email so probably I will write to her again. Because it is worth the try.

Other conclusions I came to in the end are:

-       I have had some temporary friendships that at the time I deemed very important. It was not worth it to be so invested.

-       I have given up on at many opportunities because of other people. Scholarship to US because D did not agree, one to Germany because Mansouri held my grades hostage are two of the completely approved programs that I got in but left because. Not to mention all the possibilities in Germany that I did not act on because D would not let me. From conferences to friends invites.

-       I have acted as secretary for D. Editing all his emails and chapters of his thesis.

-       I have acted as secretary and editor for M.T. this time it is worse because he represents himself as a public science communicator and I end up writing HIS articles and essays on different topics in physics. Actually, one of the last fights we had was on this topic too. By that point he would send me less than a paragraph of jumbled sentences on a topic and I would write the entire essay on that topic and return to him, so he publishes it under his name. Reminds me, when Stephan Hawking died, he went on a radio show to talk about him and right before it he asks me to tell him all about Hawking’s work, …. He knew shit about fundamentals of physics, lmao. To the fight, there was an international conference on Kharazmi in Kabul and he, the symbol of science of course has to attend. He asked me to write the entire minimum 15 pages paper so he can submit and present it because he is busy. We already had crossed the bizarre line, but it was yet so bizarre I refused. Needless to say, all hell broke loose. Oh, to not know yourself well enough to be entangled in a narcissist’s web.

-       I have maintained my friendship with Alexey over the years.

-       My therapist in Germany was not helpful. She helped me in opening the discussion on self-awareness, however she was not objective at all. Till the last minute, despite knowing about all the abuse she tells me to stay. Do not rock the boat. Well, I guess she just had no trust in my strength.

-       There are some friends that were dear and very close but things happened and I stopped talking to them. Soraya, Fatima, Omid, Somaye stand out. On the last one I did try over and over but eventually learned that what is dead may never revive. On the third one, I did not try to solve the misunderstanding because the person I saw was not at all like the one I thought I am friends with.  The second, it’s seven years since we last spoke and although she has expressed her wish to reconcile, I do not have the will power or time to go that far back in time nor get to know the person she is now. The first, it happened in my worst days. Thinking it through again, I might have been sensitive and have read too much into her actions but does it mean I should try again? Again, I just do not have the patience or time or energy to do this again.

-       There are some desperate episodes here and there. One is of the time that I realized staying in Afghanistan is not an option, I have to leave asap. I am sending all these PhD applications and corresponding with every professor I have ever talked to. I remember the feeling all too well. In fact, I have occasional nightmares of it.

-       My relationship with my siblings has been decreasing over time which is to no one’s surprise. I learned the underlying sexism in our dynamics pretty soon every time I wanted speak up.

-       There is a gap in emails, one of those desperate times. Its mid 2012-2013 and I transferred all those emails to a yahoo account in fear of D.

-       My correspondence with professor Sigl was overshadowed heavily by my shame. I never went back to read our emails until today. Unlike what I had previously assumed, he is completely supportive and willing to work in the future. It is really my own state of mind that determines how I perceive the world. To think how many times I left thinking I am a burden while people did not.  

Looking at myself from outside has been my fulltime job forever. I now live happily with depression and PTSD and move forward despite everything that happened. That is my strength Dr. G. I should not have had to persuade my fucking therapist that I deserve not to be abused. I hope your little bubble bursts at some point.

Now I have not only been distracted enough to move on with work, I have also done a quick analysis on my evolution from the Gmail perspective.